Till Death Do Us Part
I fear death.
I know, it sounds insane. It sounds strange to be hung up on something that is so far away, so unpredictable, yet it happens every day. I have feared death since I was little. I would be awake at night, thinking about how I could create medicine that would offer me the possibility of eternal life, just so that I wouldn’t have to miss anything. So I wouldn’t have to miss the people I love.
‘‘It haunts me, yet it keeps me alive.”
And it’s a tricky concept. No one knows what happens, all we can do is imagine. Imagine the fun, imagine a life without suffering. Most of all, being remembered by all the good you brought into the world. The smiles you caused, the laughter that erupted, the tears of joy. It excites me. So when the fearful, dark thoughts come at night (rest assured they always do), I am reminded of the happiness and warm fuzzy feelings in my heart which I get to experience every day because of the people in my life. Death, it haunts me, yet it keeps me alive. It makes me want to make the most out of my day. Get out of bed and create memories. Even when it’s hard.
“There is no such thing as wasting days because even then, you feel, you experience - you live.”
The fear itself sometimes actually serves as fuel. It pushes me to go out and use every minute of my day so that I can look back and think, ‘I did that!’. However, not every day has to be amazing. Let’s face it, your body can’t handle that either. There is no such thing as wasting days because even then, you feel, you experience - you live. It’s good to take a break, to stay in, to watch a movie, or to sit in bed and stare at the ceiling for eight hours. There is no shame and there is no harm in doing so. Taking a break is actually healthy, it’s a sign from your body to take it easy. To lay off some of the pressure that you think you need to put yourself through. In truth, you don’t have to perform every minute of every day, sometimes slacking is a good thing. Allowing yourself to say, ‘it’s okay, I worked hard, I deserve a break.’ is exactly what you may need. Yes, it frightens me to my core that I may not have tomorrow, but at least I lived for today.
“It changed everything, yet we still came together to make the best of it.”
COVID-19 impacted us in more ways that I thought was ever possible. It is for the sheer fact that nobody thought it would lead to a global pandemic. My heart goes out to those who lost someone to this, to the essential workers who kept going despite being exhausted, and to those who held on. Who believed there was light at the end of the tunnel. Who kept reaching out, selflessly helped others and returned home to do more work. It felt strange to put my life on pause, and it changed everything, yet we still came together to make the best of it. Yes, there was a constant fear of seeing your loved one catch their last breath, yes it hurt when you can’t hold their hand, and yeah, it all sucked. But it also showed how resilient humans are. How they still manage to stand tall on two feet despite the chaos surrounding them.
The world is a scary place, and peace will seem like boredom to those who grew up in chaos, but we must always remember that our battle scars are not ugly. They have shaped us into who we are, what we stand for, and all the possibililty that is still out there. I am hoping for better days. I am hanging on, still in fear, but hanging on, and continue to live in a vicious cycle in hope of brighter mornings.
My life, my legacy - that is what I leave behind when I go. And I can only hope I did a good job.