Performance Error

In a world where the creation of content is never-ending, it’s like competing with everybody, even with your five-year-old dog. And let’s be honest, he’s guaranteed more likes because who doesn’t love dogs? They are heartbreakers.

As a photographer, writer, podcast host — as a human, I feel like I need to keep up with the rat race we’re in. It is expected of us to one up each other. Oh, you went on holiday? Well, I went on holiday too and mine was much cooler. This society we’ve formed into, competition over community, is what led to toxicity. People take breaks from social media because it’s become too overwhelming. You think that if you’re not creating or showing off to strangers that you’re doing well, then you’re not ‘living’.

“Here I was, envious of those who were living the dream while I was sitting on my couch scrolling.”

I haven’t been able to create something new in nearly two years and my gut is telling me I’m doing something wrong. Here I was, envious of those who were living the dream while I was sitting on my couch scrolling. I made excuses like, “I’m tired” and “I’m too busy with work”, and the truth? It’s not that I don’t have the time, it’s that my priorities are currently elsewhere. If there were more hours in the day, perhaps I could make it work. But in between getting my Bachelor’s degree, 3 part-time jobs, soccer, and trying to catch some sleep in there, it feels nearly impossible.

“It got to a point where I felt so inadequate that I still wasn’t doing enough.”

I call it performance error. This idea where you’ve been pushing yourself beyond your limits, thinking that you can balance everything while you’re plate is already showing cracks. You’re so overwhelmed by others daily that you feel like you need to make the same expenses, live the same experiences, and the rat race has us convinced that this is the dream. It’s what you should want out of your life. It got to a point where I felt so inadequate that I still wasn’t doing enough. But I realized that happiness above all else is… irreplaceable. It cannot compare nor live up to the so-called expectations we have of our lives. If I’m happy, focusing on everything else but creating, I know I’m doing okay. I’m not less than, I’m not falling behind, I’m right on track.