Exhaustion

I started the year with a burnout. At 20 years old, only 3 days into the new year, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. It wasn’t just because I had a busy day, it was an accumulation of the past two years of my life. It’s been a constant back and forth, for everyone, of going online and offline without any real end in sight.

“Everything felt like it was finally falling into place.”

The thing is, I was really excited for 2022. More than excited. I’d finished 2021 with registering myself as a small business, and I looked ahead at an exciting year with exchange and I was able to secure an internship the day before Christmas, so everything felt like it was finally falling into place.

But then I woke up, I opened my laptop to start my online class, and not even five minutes into the class, I felt like logging off and quitting. This pandemic has undoubtedly affected everyone in one way or another, and I can safely tell you that everyone is done with it, but that doesn’t mean it’s over. As my country is in its (what feels like) billionth lockdown, I feel like I am wasting what is supposed to be the best time in my life.

“Wasting my 20s” is what they call it, but instead of making mistakes and exploring, I’ve hit pause and am trying to live through it, accepting things for what they are, but it is damn hard. I wake up, not motivated enough to get dressed but choose to wear the sweater I’ve been wearing all week. On top of that, I don’t feel safe enough to attend campus and meet my peers if given the chance. I smile, I say “I’m good” when all I want to do is give my mind and body a moment to rest, but I’m part of the rat race.

“We’re expected to push our bodies and our minds until we can’t anymore.”

I started my second year of my Bachelor at the same time that I started working two jobs. I joined a student association and became part of the Writers’ team at IBCoMagazine, the magazine of my studies which is made for and by students. I’m not asking for sympathy because I am not the only one feeling like they need to participate in as many things as they can during their studies. It's no longer enough to have completed higher education, no, we’re expected to push our bodies and our minds until we can’t anymore. But at least we have something to show for, right? My resume isn’t empty and employers will be impressed with all that I achieved in such a short time span.

However, I’m saddened that it’s come to this point. While I’m trying my best, I often feel like I’ve come up short at the end of my day. I clearly didn’t be my most productive self, I didn’t do enough. I need to stop wasting time. But I also feel like I’m one of the luckier ones as some of my peers have expressed housing concerns and being broke, which I have not had because I live with my parents. Nobody ever talks about everything that goes on outside of your achievements. They see a list of things and somehow that defines the person you are. If you have little to show for, you didn’t do what is expected. If you do too much, you seem like an overachiever. It’s never going to be good enough.

This isn’t about me. This is about us. The world feels like it’s constantly collapsing at the sight of good news. It feels impossible to be optimistic in the face of such pain, and we’re going back to ‘‘normal’’ even though no one knows what it means anymore.

But let’s try. I know it’s not easy and this may not be the world you want your kids to grow up in, but we have to. I never put myself first because I’m so much more worried about everybody around me. As my very wise teacher said: mental and physical health first, skip an appointment, skip anything, because if you’re not feeling well, that’s no way to live.

Protect each other, check in on each other, and love above all else. If you need help, if you need a place to rant and scream about everything that’s been bothering you, I am here for you. Stay safe, wear a mask, get vaccinated, and let’s get through this together.