Loveless: Dating & Heartbreak

I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. I’m also an optimist, generous with second chances, and all of these things have led to nothing but heartbreak in the past two years.

I’m aware that in the world of dating, heartbreak is common, so why do we continue to put ourselves through that kind of suffering? I was convinced that the first person I’d meet was going to be a success, someone I was ready to shower with gifts and date nights. Alas, no such person has been found yet.

“There’s an inner urge and belief that it’ll happen some day.”

Despite it all, I remain hopeful because… that’s all I can do. It is to say the least, a long and difficult road, but there’s an inner urge and belief that it’ll happen some day. Everybody who tells you that you can’t force it is 1000% telling the truth. Finding love, finding your person, is supposed to be ten times harder than getting a good grade for an exam. As I’ve been dating, mostly through apps, I set myself up with high expectations only to be met with infinite disappointment. Some people get lucky and others have to pick themselves up and move on.

“For a split second, I was convinced that I was incapable of love, that I was… loveless.”

I’ve had a hard time admitting to myself that it’s okay that it hasn’t worked out yet. That it’ll work itself out in the end. Through floods of desperation and frustration, I have picked myself up and allowed myself to feel like shit because I cared so much, so fast, only to be slapped in the face with reality. I would be having a good time, but a little later, I’d be staring at my phone, swiping for the next. It’s addicting, fun, but also such a bitch. It can offer a clear ego boost and it feels really nice when people show interest, but after failed dates and missed connections, I looked at myself in the mirror. With bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks, for a split second, I was convinced that I was incapable of love, that I was… loveless. Because nobody wanted to put in the same effort. Nobody was willing to fight to make it work. So then, there must be something up with me that people seem to be okay with leaving behind, right?

I have, since my most recent heartbreak, stepped away from dating apps. And I will never join again. It doesn’t lead anywhere unless I push it towards something. And I cannot put myself through that experience again. Besides, the people you meet in real life for the first time, the conversations with them, that’s how you get to know yourself and your potential mate. It takes insanely tough skin to get through this world, but we’re in this together.

“Without them, I’d still be in bed wallowing.”

As a final note, I want you to know that getting through this experience has been nothing short of painful and while many tears have been shed, I was able to do my story with close friends and be heard for the first time in a long time. Their support, their never-ending love, their jokes, and giving me a moment to let it sink in, is what has helped me through this process. Without them, I’d still be in bed wallowing. So, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’ll come and I guess I just have to be a little more patient than the rest.