Just keep swimming

I became an adult overnight. It was late in the evening, the sun had come and gone, and with it, so had my dad. He walked out, suitcase in hand, and even though he would come back the next day to bring me to my baseball practice, I knew from the moment my mom shut the door, nothing would ever be the same.

It’s common for kids to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. I did. Because weren’t you supposed to be the reason that could keep them together? I remember crying about it at the age of twelve in my therapist’s office, wondering why I couldn’t fix it. If there had been anything that I could have done to prevent it from happening. In the end, I had to settle for the pain and overcast weather that would be above us permanently.

“But I guess, even the best of us can’t fake it any longer.”

Play dates were replaced with financial worries. Dreams were replaced with sleepless nights. I was young, so I didn’t understand half of what was going on, but each night as my mom tucked me in, I saw the tears she was holding back. And I wondered how I could take her pain away so that she wouldn’t have to suffer any longer. A few years ago, a student counsellor told me that it’s like grieving and it stings because how is it that someone wakes up and doesn’t love you anymore? It’s the one thing I’ve never been able to quite understand, but I guess, even the best of us can’t fake it any longer.

If you ask me why I’ve blamed myself for my parents’ divorce, I wouldn’t know the answer because there is no perfect one. My parents’ divorce was caused by a multitude of things. Their life and all of their memories together wasn’t enough. I know, deep down, they tried. But, I also know that trying to fix something that’s already broken, only delays your chance of moving on. We’re not religious, but I remember a brief moment in time where my mom asked me to pray with her. To ask God to grant us a better time, to mend our hearts and fix our broken home.

”My family was meant to go through this journey, however painful, and find a way to just… keep… swimming.”

I’m sure you’re familiar with Pixar’s Dory, a fish that suffers from short-term memory loss, and consequently tells herself to just keep swimming. It’s about hope and believing that one can move forward, no matter how hard you’ve been hit. I’ve spent nearly a decade trying not to drown, in an attempt to move on with my life. Looking back on my childhood, many moments are overshadowed by the divorce. But I no longer hold onto resentful feelings because I too have had to pick myself up and keep moving. My family was meant to go through this journey, however painful, and find a way to just… keep… swimming.

Adulthood is a lot like swimming. We’re all a little lost in the vast depths of the ocean, trying to keep our head above water, figuring it out together. As I’m nearing my twenties, it’s hard to imagine every hurdle I’ve been through. And you know what, somehow, in some strange way, I’m still swimming. The sun rises and I try again. Some days better than others.

But... you know what they say, after rain comes sunshine, so all I can hope for is that my parents will find peace in their minds, love in their hearts and that I may have the same.