Exchange Without Romanticizing It
From the 23rd of August until the 19th of December of 2022, I was an exchange student at the University of Helsinki in Finland.
I hated it.
And I loved every minute of it.
Prior to my departure, I had endless talks with friends, family, and with myself about whether or not it was a good idea to go. You see, back in December when I had been selected, I was ecstatic. Over the moon. Nothing could stop me. But then… I started the year with a burnout, my grandma passed away, and I felt more lost than ever. I felt a responsibility to carry the weight of the inpenetrable grief that my family had to survive. I felt alone. And to be ripped away from everything and everyone that I knew, seemed like a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Yet there was something inside me, a feeling, an urge, to just… go. After all, the last eight months of my life had brought me more pain than I thought possible. So, maybe, somewhere, it was good for me to leave. To dive into the deep end, not knowing what would happen. At first, it felt like vacation, like I was here for a week and then I’d go back home. But sure enough, by the end of the week I was left standing on the platform, seeing my mom leave towards the airport while I stayed and headed to my new home, alone.
My first night at my new place, was nothing short of awful. Every second of every moment that I was there, I wanted to go home. I didn’t want to sleep in this bed, in this room. But I am grateful that I was able to do this in this age of booming technology. With WhatsApp and FaceTime, it made things a whole lot less difficult. Friends who stayed on the call for hours without even saying much. Or my mom who was prepared to watch football with me through FaceTime even though she could care less about the sport.
“It almost felt normal.”
Adjusting to a new city, new people, new university, were big steps for me. At night, things kept piling up in my mind and self doubt kept creeping up. I cried every few days. I didn’t believe in myself, in my capabilities. All nights, even if I went out to meet with others, were lonely. I’d come back to the same bland room that, at times, felt like imprisonment. I was alone. For the first time in my life, I was utterly and completely alone. I thought I enjoyed the quiet, until I had too much of it. I battled through seasonal depression. I thought that if I kept myself busy with enough activities, I would be fine. And to say it was hard is an understatement.
Nevertheless, this exchange gave me the opportunity to reflect on my relationships and I’d begun to learn more about myself than I had in all the years before. Sure enough, as time went on, it didn’t feel as hard anymore. It almost felt normal. Throughout these past four months, I returned home a total of three times, each visit more amazing than the last. Though I loved spending time with my friends and family, catching up on all that you can’t do to its full extent over the phone, I also enjoyed going back to Finland at the end of each of my trips. Whether I liked it or not, I had built a life there. I had favorite spots, favorite foods, and people that I never would have known if I’d listened to that other part of me. I made countless core memories and will hold those close to my heart forever. I let a tear slip as the plane took off one last time, letting it all come over me like a tidal wave.
Now that I’m back home for good, I can honestly tell you it’s true: home isn’t a place. I have learned how much value there is in living with yourself, enjoying your own company, figuring out the most basic things with and without help. Thinking back to myself hesitating for days on end, I find it almost comical because having experienced all that I have been given the opportunity to in the last four months, I wouldn’t want to change a thing. This experience opened my world to new cultures and a version of myself I hadn’t previously known. Perhaps then, my key takeaway from all of this, I guess, is obvious: Life is about taking risks. It’s more than okay to feel completely terrified, to let your mind slip, to do something that seems crazy to others but more than normal to you. This world expects us to have adventures, to make mistakes, make amends, to endure pain, to relish in love.
If there is anything I’ve learnt from these past four months, it’s that being alone isn’t a bad thing. Being afraid isn’t a bad thing. Asking for help isn’t a bad thing. Yes, the world is a terrifying place, but it’s moments and decisions like these that have changed my life. I’m happier than I was when I left. I’m kinder to myself. No matter where I go from here, I’m grateful and more fearless than I ever was before. And so all that pain, all those tears, were worth it, because I got stronger and more in control of my life.